Because alliteration, why not.
As I’ve been doing occasionally, I went to the cheapo 2nd-run theater by myself tonight. I saw Shazam!. (Do you put punctuation after it, even though it already has one in the title? I’m confused.)
Oh trust me, the confusion doesn’t stop there.
But rather than bore you, dear reader, with one mere movie review, I thought to myself: “Self, let’s kick it up a notch!” Then I realized I wasn’t Emeril. But I digress.
You don’t say?
So without further ado… I give you, the first of
many maybe some definitely more than zero… Monday Movie Madness! In which I review several movies at once, lightning-round style, because ANGTFTD.
“Say my name, b*tch!”
Wait what? Grab the guy’s staff and do what now? Do these people even realize the amount of double-entendre they’re pushing on our young audiences! Won’t somebody think of the children!?!? Well yeah, turns out they did. Most of this movie was in fact squarely aimed at the tween-teen crowd. Not that it sucked entirely.
OMG another! Enough with your filthy language mister!
It was, surprisingly, not as bad as I thought. Not as cheesy as the previews made it look. Oh don’t get me wrong, it was cheesy. But there was plenty of SRS BZNS about inner demons and self-doubt and family and pride and all that good stuff.. and.. things..
ZOMG what is JERRY doing here!!?!? JERRY!!! MA DUDE! Holy crap are you still doing that zombie show? Christ, what is that like 9, 10 seasons? Jesus! No not that one; he’s cool too, but it’s a figure of speech. A figure.. never mind. Go swing your axe at shit. Love ya buddy.
Now where was I?
OSHIT, it’s freakin Lionel Luther! He’s like, playing the same character here as he did in Smallville! That’s pretty awesome, I’ll give you that. Well played, casting directors, well played.
Dude, do you not remember Bats vs Supes Dawn of Plot Holes? 40 Thousand Justice Leagues Under the Sea? Hah, I amuse myself. Oh, look, a segue…
So we’re going in backwards order? Cool, cool cool cool, cool cool.
Well no, I’m skipping Aquaman, because that shit is actually worth seeing & having its own review. And don’t yell at me about Wonder Woman either — chronologically she’s WAY before all this crap, and she also made a helluva solo movie. So just pipe down.
Justice League was kinda a hot mess. The kind where you see her get up in the morning, her bra is way over there, she’s got one sock on, half her hair is covering her face, and her left arm is cramped, but you’re still like… Yeah, why the hell not, round 2. (Or 3, if the metaphor needs to match.) You know? It’s kinda fun, it’s a little dirty, and there’s probably some Steppenwolf playing in the background.
Yes, that was the actual name of the villain. I KNOW, RIGHT? As Deadpool might say, “lazy writing.”
Also, you’re totally being sexist right now.
Yeah, but I’m doing it for the sake of analogy.
Batman vs Superman
Speaking of dead things… Ohhh crap, spoiler alert! Sorry, sorry, my bad. Nope, nobody dies here, all is happy kittens and rainbows and sunshine. No? Oh right, that’s the Marvel Universe.. pre 2018 anyway. This is DC. Shit gets dark. Sometimes. Until 2019, because apparently we have to play “keeping up with Disney” now, even though they have more money than God and own nearly every other franchise-able comic-based multiverse there is.
Which is why we have multiple dead Avengers (again, spoiler alert!) but no notable casualties in Shazam at all.
It’s just… Okay, I get that Batman and Superman had beef. Affleck is obviously jealous of Cavill’s good looks, and Cavill’s obviously jealous of Affleck’s Oscar(s? I don’t even know..). But really, it’s not even the center of the plot. When you give something a title like that, you expect to see some mano-a-mano, no? Oh sure they spar a little, they grimace & growl at each other for a bit, but by whose hands does the Man of Steel actually die? Ah that’s right, the actual villain.
Really? That’s your major gripe with this movie? Surely you must have more! The overacting, the over-production, the under..wear. Underacting? Underwriting?
The lazy writing, yep. Well, lazy film-making in general. The actors were actually quite impressive. I even bought into Ben’s Batman for a minute, which I swore I’d never do after The Dark Knight trilogy. (Don’t get me started on the Joker, though. Gawd.) Speaking off…
Now THIS. This was a frickin’ MOVIE. Margot Robbie’s Harley Quinn? Spectacular. Will Smith. Ike Barinholtz. Viola FREAKIN Davis. Holy mother.
So.. we’re just kinda pretending Jared Leto didn’t exist?
Yeah, pretty much. Because honestly if you take him out of the movie.. well okay, not literally. I mean, if you take out his ridiculosity and his lack of depth, and just kinda avoid leaning into his character or his backstory for anything of substance, then it totally works.
Just watch it. You won’t be disappointed. Except with the Joker. But it’s OK, you can cleanse your palette afterwards with Heath Ledger. Promise. ❤
Other Superman, Other Batman
Oh wait, Affleck’s Batman hasn’t had his own movie yet, has he? Oooohh… ouch. Sorry bud. Hopefully next year? Eeehhh, right, you’re being replaced by a sparkly-ass vampire. Damn. Tough brakes man. But hey, at least you won’t completely bastardize the franchise single-handedly, like some people. I mean, we all know Christopher Reeve is still rolling over in his grave. Mentally, at least.
Wow, that was cold. Have you no soul?
I don’t know, maybe I’m just jaded and tired of re-made superhero properties. I mean really, after the 41 Flavors of Spidermen, can you really blame me?
No, but I can tell you to quit yappin’ and finish while you’re ahead!
Yeesh. The voice in my head is not happy with me tonight. He probably needs some Christopher Nolan goodness. I can’t disagree with him there.
Adios, my friends, and enjoy that popcorn. ❤