A Grief Observed, part 2

To maintain its “raw-ness”, I will try to refrain from making any alterations to the original writing. The only exceptions being names (except the dog, you all know her already), and if I feel something is absolutely critical for clarity/continuity. In the latter case, you’ll see [italics in square-brackets]. I will occasionally add other styling for emphasis or readability.

The Day After

My mom makes me some eggs. I did okay, but I have some nausea. You always had nausea.. I’m glad you don’t anymore. But in a way I feel like it’s a part of you that’s now with me. That sounds so strange. You always told me to take something, your own medicine that you shared with anybody who ever needed some.

I play your favorite songs on YouTube. But also songs that help me deal. You always made me love more music than I would have thought possible. And you made sure I shared it with you. These are songs about loss. But also songs about life and love. You loved so much, so passionately. Anybody who took the time to know you knew that. And anybody who did not, did not understand what they missed.

You were too good for this world. But I needed you. I still need you. I love you. I loved you.

I can’t stop crying. All you wanted, all we wanted, was to have a baby and a family. We can’t do that now. It’s not fair. You would have been the best mommy in the world. You have so much love to give. I am so lucky to have had you. But it’s not fair that you’re gone. I need your love, your laugh, your touch. You made me whole. I can’t understand. Why are you gone?

I call L and break down. He gets on the road right away to come from Vegas. Dad goes to work for a little while. I’m sure it’s hard to work right now, but things don’t stop. Why can’t the world stop? I just need it stop. But time does slow down. I stare at the clock. I sit in the recliner couch near the best air vent in the house. We always kept our place cold for you. Now I can’t stand even being mildly warm. I tried to have a fan on last night but it wasn’t enough.

I go back to our house to get some more things. I need your pillow. I need one of your blankets. But I can’t bear to use the one I found you in. I make the bed for you as if you’re coming back. I even rinse out your cool drink cups. Why can’t you come back and use them again? I kneel by the bed with my head where you were. Are you still there? No.. It smells like you. But it also smells like something else. I can’t say it right now.

Second Night

L arrives. They pick up some Rubio’s for dinner. I’m not sure how I can eat. But I have some chips and beans, and finally a fish taco. Still nauseous. We just talk about memories. I watch Supernatural on Netflix. I try to explain it to them but you know my favorite episodes are terrible examples of the show because of how abnormal they are. You loved to laugh at that.

I take a benadryl and try to sleep. I put on Jurassic Park [one of her all-time favorite movies] in the background. Kiera is now sleeping in her crate just in front of me. She had escaped out the front door earlier. I don’t understand why. But she was looking for you. She wandered down the street. I couldn’t get her to come to me. I cried because I did not want to lose her. She was your baby, our baby. She loved you so much. I know she knows something is wrong. Please try to tell her it’s okay, that her mama loves her from Heaven.

angel with broken wings cries

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